How Many Times

The city screams out for me

But I ain’t listening

The city screams          it wants my soul

But I won’t give in     I won’t let go

I’m waiting

And I don’t know why

I’m still waiting

So I close my eyes

If you despised me

Would you let me know

Would you try to find me

If I decided to go

I’m waiting

And I don’t know why

I’m still waiting

So I close my eyes

How many times did I break your heart

Without knowing it

How many times did I cut you down

Without meaning it

How many times did I hurt you

Without feeling it

How many times have I sung this song

Without hearing it

I’m waiting

And I don’t know why

I’m still waiting

So I close my eyes

naming the ocean

falling like unpredictable destination

I have fallen too far for you

you move in and out of my vision

touching my thoughts like

I should have touched you

I am weak simply from wanting you

and my thoughts fall heavy

towards a fear of breaking hearts

sound of pain like smashing glass like

the beginning of nothing at all

but you hair burning       long and killing me

slicing through me         too deep

with your eyes

you breathe      too close to me

too far away

and still

I can almost touch you

and I hear them calling your name again

like an ocean breaking upon the shores

of helpless visions

            I can feel you

heart separates from mind         pulse runs wild

sending me dancing in your hidden light

so I close my eyes

frustrated with my silence and

the need for words

your presence is too strong

your movements pull me

            I am afraid

afraid of you   

  of what you do do to me

hunger pulse blood beat

thirsting for a touch

dance dance deep inside me

inside you

I hear them calling your name again

like I    

 never   

      could

c i g a r e t t e n d e r n e s s

cigarettenderness

ashes scatter across yellowed carpet
cigarette blows
a hole in my mind
the street
waits for the rain to fall

like a car crash
like the definition
of thunder

ashes follow
the cigarette
down

cracks in the highway

i wake up after the day begins
early light missing my eyes
reminding me of sitting outside
a motel room
caught with the thrill of travel
against the sky
and the knowledge
of early morning drive

it’s an east coast wind
that pulls me closer
like florida heat
like carolina fireflies

leave the rain
slow pigeons and
green
head into the hills
watch the truckstops
seduce the sides
of the road

i don’t take my sunglasses off
for a week
there’s a girl
wearing a cross
hair in her eyes
she smiles at me
room number 36
and by the time i finish my drink
she’s gone
greyhound quick

i tie the dusk to my door
wondering about the rain

humid veins and girl hair in my dreams
she’s gone before
i finish my drink

birds fly across my shadow
highway stay awake

:: three (3)::

hanging flower

i can break i have
i have frozen solid
cracked open




greatful that it’s not concrete

drag you down messing up
your clothes

throw me in the ditch

your legs glow

my fingers reach out
drag you down




almost remembering what it’s like to hate

hold my hands

they’re not as steady
as i’d like
i’m shaking

my fingers
ache

sugar and water

sugar and water

(with thanks (and/or apologies) to the promise ring. tell everyone we're dead.)

did you know that i drink
sugar and water
to hold me down
to hold me next to you

yeah
sugar and water
to hold me down
to hold me close
to hold me softly next to you

'cause you're sweeter
than the liquid moon
i drink you in
drink you down
you drink me too
do we finish too soon
am i failing you
i twist my arm
around empty air
it hurts but i don't know where
 and i don't care

it hurts right now it hurts right now

every time i see an ambulance
i wonder if it's me
who's died
am i just a ghost to everyone else
or just invisible inside
either way
i don't care
you say it'll fade
but i don't care

it hurts right now it hurts right now

so i drink sugar and water
to hold me down

fever call

fever call

breaking thru like dusty knives
breaking thru....
         
            BREAK THROUGH!

spreading open the sunlight
      sigh
sigh

        enter here
        dissasemble the air

swift shadows of luminecence
        cross split horizon
screaming with particle envy
leaving me standing
     on shaky ground

and as the highways sew the earth
     together again
my own shadow slips away
     quietly
to find its own way home